musings of a navel-gazer

Walking past December

2012-01-20T01:00:00.000-08:00

We walk the streets surrounded by strangers, each of us encapsulated within our own bubbles. Every person is on a different adventure. Every person has their own conflict, their own shares of laughter, happiness. Every person has their own story. A story different from yours. And mine.

But we all walk on. Not stopping. Blind to the incredible tales and flood of colorful characters around us.

Until maybe suddenly. We bump. Into a stranger. And for that split second, when the two bubbles collide, when your eyes meet, just for that very moment, you glimpse a little of the stories they could tell.

A father, eyes excited at the prospect of returning home to his family; a mother, eyes warm with days of watching her little ones grow up; a boy, eyes young still believing in black and white, right and wrong, and simple magic; a near-ly woman, eyes tired and rubbed raw living in a world of different shades of gray; a boy turning into a man, eyes bright with the possible futures ahead.

And for that fleeting second, you fall hopelessly and wonderfully into another world that is normally hidden, protected by bubbles made to keep out as much as to keep in. But the moment soon passes. We look away embarrassed for trespassing into places we should not have been. Apologies are pronounced, and then as quickly as possible, we walk on. Bubbles newly formed. Blind once again.

To live with my eyes wide open.

01.13.2012 — montréal, québec — by simon hébert

Don't be falling in love as she's walking away

2011-12-02T06:28:00.000-08:00

Don't be falling in love as she's walking away

-Zac Brown

She wraps her arms around herself, fingers clenched, holding herself so tightly together, as if she would fall apart if she didn't.

She's crying.

Of course she's crying. She always cry. It makes him feel so. Helpless.

"Stop crying." It came out more harshly than he meant it to.

"I mean, there's no point to it. Why don't we just, talk about something else. Or go out somewhere?" He tries.

She looks at him. Her face streaked with tears, her eyes - drained of her usual dancing lights and life - drew him in and then punched him, making a hollow cavity in his chest. "Why?" she whispers, her voice hoarse.

"Why do you keep running? Why can't you, why must you, why" she was crying again. He groaned inwardly. Always the tears. Where did all the tears come from?

"Why can't you stay?" Of course she knew. She was being overly needy. And he, bless his soul, has always drowned in her raging tumultuous torrid of emotions. She, an emotional hurricane that he has never learned to weather.

But despite this. He has tried to stay by her - donned in a disgustingly bright yellow poncho - he fought through tears, rain and sunshine.

But he always looked for a way out. A way to avoid getting wet. To avoid getting sucked in. To avoid getting burned. To avoid any complications. He ran. He ran. Because he didn't know how to stay.

He tried to explain, "What can I say to you? How can I pick up the pieces of your broken heart and mend it back for you? What can I say to make the hurt go away?"

He looked at her, her bone-white fingers, her huddled shoulders, and her oh so sad eyes. Eyes that clawed at the hole inside of him. He felt powerless. Helpless. He pleaded. "Tell me what you want me to say. Tell me what words to use, to make you all better. Just tell me, what can I say to make you smile again?"

Tears were spilling out of her eyes again. What did he say wrong this time? This is why he ran. He felt so awkward. So out of place. He would only make things worse if he tried.

"I don't want you to say anything. That's not the point. All I want, all I need, is just for you to be here with me. That's all. I just want you to stay by me. Just stay."

"I can do that." He nods, relieved that it was really that simple.

"No you can't." She breathes deeply, "but that's okay. I'm giving up. Finally."

"Giving up what?" The words came out ragged. He looked at her. Pleadingly. For a lie. Because the way she looked at him, made him fear the truth. But she refuse to give him that comfort. She refuse to make things easy for him. She was done.

"I'm giving up on you. Your games. Your pretenses. Keep them. I don't mind that you use me. That you lie to me. That you hurt me. I don't mind giving you whatever miserable bit of me that I have left. But I hate how you make me hate myself." They came like bullets. Things he knew. Things he did without knowing why.

"What are you trying to say?" He asked.

She laughed. Mockingly. But oh so sadly. "I just said it. I'm giving up."

"On you."

He winced.

She wiped her tears. She got up. Turned to leave.

"I love you," he whispered. Whimpered. Begged.

"I know." She said. And without turning around. She left.

And he stayed.

Conversations lying in my head

2011-12-01T07:49:00.000-08:00

"So, what's your story?" I ask into the silence. It wasn't an awkward silence. Just a, silence.

"What do you mean?" he tilted his head, pondering the nature of my question.

"Well, everyone has a story. Where they come from, where they were born, what they want, who they are." I explained.

He tried to follow.

"Okay. So I'll start first. With my story." I smiled at him. His face tilted, the slightest hint of relief.

"Okay." He said gamely.

Okay, I replied in my head. Wondering where to begin. How does one start one's own life story anyway? From right now.

"So I'm a in-between kind of girl." I had no idea what that meant as it stumbled out of my mouth.

"Sorry, what?" He asked. Confused. As am I.

"I am an in-between kind of girl," I repeated again, slowly, ideas and reasons forming as I started to warm up to an explanation. "I'm neither here nor there. I'm Malaysian, born in Papua New Guinea, and went to school in Australia. In short, I don't really belong anywhere." I shrug, realizing the truth as I said it.

"I finished high school a year ago, and I desperately want to go college, but right now," I look up at the mountains of boxes we're wedged in between, "I'm stuck in the middle with nowhere to go."

He laughed appreciatively.

I ploughed on. "It's the same with work. I work here weekends, at my old school weekdays, and Kumon every other time in between." I recite this, knowing full well how crazy my schedule is now. I chose it this way. For two main reasons. Subconciously. Or conciously. Because I need the extra ka ching, and also, because I need to extra busyness to occupy my mind from, thinking.

But it was not until I confessed this to a stranger; albeit a familiar, safe looking stranger (but kids, you never know. So don't try this at home), that I realized that by choosing this path, I'm also choosing to forsake my current relationships; friends and family alike.

But sometimes. Honestly. I need a break. People drive me crazy.

"What about guys. Are you torn between two too?" He spoke out, jolting me out of my reverie. I looked up and he was smiling at me, almost laughing.

I broke out laughing, "if only you knew man." Was all I said. He didn't push. Thanks for understanding.

"So yeah, I'm an in-between sort of girl. Everywhere and nowhere. Feeling everything but never changing, never moving," I shrug.

"Well. You're here." He said.

I looked at him. Blankly.

"You're not, nowhere. You're right here. We might be in the middle of nowhere," he gestured to the tall stacks of boxes, "but that's just because you don't get to see the bigger picture yet. After awhile, this middle of nowhere will become something bigger than even the both of us. All you got to do is work through it. And enjoy the moments of joy as you get there."

"I think this is the point of the conversation where I inject something totally profound like, enjoy and live each day of your life to the fullest because you only ever have one life."

I smacked him.

And that was that.

Because being right smack in the middle is better than facing the end or having to start over from the beginning.

Because we spend too much time wishing for the good times and not enough loving - living - the good times when it comes.

Because I know He's in control, and the middle is exactly where He wants me to be.

SIMPLE TRUTH
When we look at ourselves, we see flaws. When God looks at us, He sees Jesus

The Story So Far

2011-11-07T05:55:00.000-08:00

"What do you want for your birthday?" Grace asked.

"Peace and quiet." I answered in that philosophical way of mine. Or to other people, over-pretentiousness.

"Oh, happiness too of course." I added.

Grace sighed and moved away from this pointless conversation before I launched into a long-winded speech about trying to reach a metaphorical, or an almost Zen like state-of-mind in which peace and quiet can be achieved. A state-of-mind I believe to be akin to mythical.

Little did I know on the morning of my birthday - as I was throwing up all of my previous day's meals - that I was going to get exactly what I wished for.

I went to sleep early the eve of my birthday because I was just so knackered. That should have rung a couple of bells but no one paid any attention. When the clock struck twelve my sister promptly appeared on my bed, her face hovering above mine, waiting; as though her presence itself should awaken this sleeping beauty.

But sleeping beauty snored away and my sister had no choice but to softly scream "boo" which created the desired effect; I screamed and almost fell off the other side of the bed - the beast has arisen.

Dad handed me my present and when I opened it, I shrieked. He had given me this beautiful bag which I've been ogling and re-visiting it ever since my eyes laid sight of it. It was truly, love at first sight. My sister and mum hugged and kissed me promising that my presents from them would be arriving soon whilst my dad smiled smugly.

After they left, the phone calls came in. I felt like a princess. But a very feverish, and exhausted princess.

Soon after the phone calls stopped, I fell back asleep. But that didn't last long because the Chai's came over for a surprise birthday greeting. I was grinning from ear to ear as I hugged them and they showed me the card they painstakingly made. After they left, and a long phone call that followed, I was at last, happy and alone.

"Dear Lord. Thank you for all the people you have put into my life Lord. I am so blessed that I've come to know them. I'm at loss for words to describe how happy I am but Lord you know the feelings in my heart, and that is enough. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. "

I fell asleep thinking that one out of three wishes wasn't bad, and was starting to look forward to the next day at work when I would shamelessly receive all the love and attention that any birthday girl would get.

Plans changed.

I woke up at 5am and rushed to the toilet shaking and clammy. And then I puked.

I got back into bed in a state of a denial. I am okay. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and get ready to go to school. I am okay. I am okay.

In the morning my sister woke me up and I tried to roll out of bed as usual, but then blacked out. My sister panicked and called my dad. My dad rushed back from work and strolled into my room where I lay shaking and clammy.

"Come. Let's go doctor."

"Pa, no. I don't want."

"Why?"

"I can't move."

I was sweating profusely. My guts were curling and pinching and wrenching. My body went from feverishly hot to freezing cold. Every time I lift my head, I felt woozy. I was breathing heavily.

"If you don't go to doctor, it'll only get worse."

"I can't move." I groaned. Then suddenly. I jumped off the bed. Bolted for the bathroom. I was almost too late, but I watched with some small satisfaction as my vomit managed to fall into the correct place, namely, the toilet bowl.

I went to the doctor. And came back with five different meds. Two of which my sister managed to read the directions wrongly and overdose me.

It said 3 Tablets. Eat one after each meal.

My sister read each meal, eat three tablets.

....

Halfway through swallowing my medication my sister went, "uh-oh. Jie, I read wrong. You're not suppose to eat so many."

I stared at her, my mind struggling between watching my life flashing by and wondering if I should strangle my sister and take her down with me.

She shrugged, "oh well, since you've already eaten all three, you don't need to eat anymore for the rest of the day."

'nuff said.

I slept for 20 hours out of the 24 hours of my birthday.

The four hours were only for eating my medicine, going to the bathroom, and, talking to my lovely friends who visited.

As my sister put it, "Only true friends would visit such a sick, disgusting, vomiting person like you." My sister. The fountain of wisdom.

Lerry and Stephen came with beautiful balloons that brightened my room and my mood. Even after they, and everyone after, left; I stared at my balloons. They were so pretty. A mish mash of colors that bobbed and weaved and intertwined according to the gentle breeze that came in through my window because of the rain. For some reason they made me smile. And my heart ached. I felt loved.

(not the actual balloons. I didn't take a picture. I think Lerry did though?)

I fell asleep. And the next bunch of people to surprise me were Jon, Andy, Mishie and Jo. They were loud, funny, and made me grin so wide.

Jo mocked me "I heard you wanted pampering on your birthday?! Whose going to pamper you? Pfft!" and yet he did. I missed him alot. I missed him and Mishie terribly when they left for Australia. And I was sincerely touched that all four of them came to visit me.

But even so, they saw how tired I was and left early.

Much later at night when I was talking with Grace as she asked me how my day went and listened to me go on and on, she quietly told me,

"you got what you wanted then didn't you?"

"What?" I asked puzzled

"Your peace and quiet."

"Oh. Oh yeah."

And so I did. Even though I remained sick for the next couple of days, my energy level fluctuating from being good enough to go to work to blacking out for the next 15 hours right after and having trippy moments in between, it was one of the best birthdays ever.

I came out of it with a fantabulous bag, an ipod shuffle, two Giordano jeans, ka-ching to go shopping, peace, quiet and happiness, and most importantly, friends and family that I cherish and God whom I exalt because even in my sickness, I can thank Him for all the love that He surrounds me with.

Another realization; God told me that I need to do some serious purging. Not just physical, but emotional. I'm going to be doing some spring cleaning.

Thank you for all those who made my birthday special and who made me feel like the happiest girl around. There were a lot of you that I didn't even have breath to write into this post (and heck this was a long post) but you all know who you are.

Much love,

Me.

The picture that inspired the start of the new, 19 year old, Karlyn.

Love you Grace.

2011-09-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

Remember?

Remember how it use to be?

When it was just you and me?

Do you remember that?

What couldn't you see?

Remember?

When all the skies were blue?

And we were stuck like glue?

Do you remember that?

Do you need a clue?

Remember?

When we would laugh like crazy?

Or lounge around all lazy?

Do you remember that?

Why is it getting so hazy?

Remember?

All those secrets that we use to share?

And all those fears that we laid bare?

Do you remember that?

Why's life so unfair?

Remember?

That we use to have it all?

Our cards, our friendship, we let it all fall?

Can you believe that?

But remember this, it was all your call.

Remember that.

Remember it all.

Just...a little bit more

2011-09-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

I guess when your main obstacle in life becomes time, and the main objective is money, reputation, and/or success, the one key factor that gets denied is sleep.

(If you lost what I'm trying to say already, re-read main topic. If you don't want to bother, it's okay. I promise, my other posts doesn't sound half as intellectual =] ).

I have never, truly, honestly, ever (I think you get my point by now) really appreciated sleep, or the effect of what a good night sleep could do. I mean, I have missed my sleep before- when I'm rushing to finish a kick-ass 50 page essay in one night because the due date is tomorrow and I well, procrastinated. Or even staying awake the whole night during a sleepover because a bet (and your reputation) depended on it - I get severely PMS-y the next day and pretty much breathe fire at anyone who twitches in my direction. BUT. I have never, truly, honestly, ever (haha) realized the importance of sleep until this year.

This year I have worked at least six different jobs and still keeping more than half of it. I've taken up twice as many duties and responsibilities in church (a quiet disclaimer: when you're "volunteered" to do something that all the leaders call "work for God" it becomes more a duty than a love. Which is wrong. I honestly think God would be more proud of me if I did one job well and with all that I can give rather than six different jobs that I'm reluctant to do. Just saying). Everything I thought I had, I lost, because I had taken them all for granted. And everything I think I still have, I'm trying to hold on so tightly to, but it's like trying to hold water in cupped hands.

I know. I hate it too when a blogger starts being ambiguous when writing something personal. I mean. If you're going to blog it you may as well say it! Sheesh.

But, I have a blog for two main purposes, one is to have somewhere to unload and share my innermost thoughts and feelings and in the same instance, hoping to impact or help shape someone else's life, week, day or even fifteen minuets, while still witholding enough information to protect oneself against gossip, slander and judgement.

Big ideals huh?

But I digress.

Amidst all the business, and the drama, and the revelations, I lost my sleep.

In vain you rise early,
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat-
for he grants sleep to those he loves.
(NLV)

or

It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to His loved ones.
(NLT)

Psalms 127:2

But you know, despite how tired and exhausted I am - so tired that when people call me after twelve, I can actually physically fall asleep halfway talking, and have to be yelled awake. Sometimes, people just hang up and I wake up with my phone pressed between my face and my hand with no recollection of having answered the phone - BUT despite this, I prefer my life this way. When I'm too tired to think. When I'm too busy to reflect on past grievances. When I'm too occupied to even, feel.

I think I like it this way.

And until the next breakdown everyone.

2011-08-10T00:56:00.000-07:00

Day nineteen: A picture and a letter

Dear Us,

May we never grow old (at heart).

Love

Me.

Old Grandmother Tales

2011-08-07T06:59:00.000-07:00

Old Grandmother Tales

I must first get all the necessities out of the way.

I’m not the type to beat around the bush so here goes.

I have an uncle. He has only one arm. I’ve never really asked how that happened – my policy is to never ask questions that you don’t want to hear the answers to – but from the bits and pieces I’ve collected over the years, there was The Incident. And he had to amputate one arm.

Once upon a time, I use to sneak glances at his empty socket – which he would hide under his never ending supplies of buttoned and collared t-shirts. It was only when I grew older I realized this was because he couldn’t pull the normal tees over his head - which, to my nine year old self, was a wondrous thing. The sleeve would swing back and forth with no direction, flapping, a lonely flag stuck on a pole. I stared at it in guilty curiosity, and pleaded with my small little heart to the God I had not known back then to never take my limbs away.

Now, I talk to my uncle like I would any other. And, pointedly ignore the empty socket. My eyes would glaze from his face straight to his feet. I guess I think by ignoring what isn't there would make him more normal. Because facing up to something foreign and “abnormal” scares me.

He never married. This I accepted without question. But now, when I asked myself why I readily accepted this knowledge without further curiosity - even to my nine year old self - I instinctively answered, “because he only has one arm.”

So?

But that was the answer life has grown me up to believe. That abnormal people don’t get to have the things normal people take advantage of.

I may look over my uncle’s “handicap” but that doesn’t mean I don’t notice his difficulties. How sometimes he has to struggle to open locks with no other hand holding it steady. How when we set the table, we have to make conscious effort to take away the fork and just set the spoon. How he avoids social gatherings like a plague, running away from people too “polite” to ask but not polite enough to abstain from staring. Sort of like when it takes all your conscious effort to not stare at that teenage kid in a wheelchair or look away from that man with only one leg in the mall.

But just as I notice his “handicap” I notice his “extraordinary capabilities” too. How when I was five, and because I badgered him to, he managed to haul me up and carry me the entire duration of a wedding dinner (and that was no easy feat. I was, well. A fat kid. Even my dad refused to carry me because it hurt his back, so instead would bribe me with chocolates and sweets to relieve his own guilt, which you know, didn’t really help my weight issue). How my uncle cried when he saw my sister when she was born – she was born too early and too small because the umbilical cord got twisted a month or two before she came. All my family relatives cried. The hospital staff tried to lessen the pain but not one of them believed my sister would survive the night - and my uncle immediately went home and prayed to the god he believed in to keep my sister alive. In return, he would give up meat – Chinese people are very big on meat – everyday for lunch. My sister is now 16 years and 7 months old and loud and annoying. And my uncle has faithfully kept his end of the bargain.

Why the sudden nostalgic memories you wonder?

It was the after dinner conversation – or rather supper conversation tonight. The family was gathered around the table all eating kacang putih. Ngen Ngen (Grandmother), Ye Ye (Grandfather), Sam Ku (Third aunt from paternal side), Papa (Dad), Mummy (Mum – haha) and me.

“…a Hakka girl wanted to marry him” My grandmother was saying referring to my uncle.

(Entire conversation was carried out in Chinese but I’m translating to English for reader’s benefit. And also in my part because I can’t type Chinese.)

“But - not me! It wasn’t me who said anything.” My grandma quickly protested to no one but silent accusations she imagined “It was YOUR grandmother who told him not to marry Hakka women. Cannot be trusted she said.” My grandmother chirruped out to her kids. “And of course, he listenend.”

“And this all happened after Kor’s (brother’s) arms…incident” my dad mused quietly aloud.

“She was a beautiful girl too,” My aunt sat lost in thought of the memory of something-that-could-have-been, “such a beautiful girl.”

“She understood, when they all told her that she can’t marry him.” My grandmother added. I quietly and probably rather unfairly wondered which was stronger; my grandmother's own love for her son’s happiness, or her own love for the traditions passed down from her own family (such as not marrying a woman from a “tribe” other than your own).

The conversation slowly moved on to less painful recollections.

I left the table.

And now I wonder out loud.

About my uncle.

I think one of my biggest fear, is to grow old alone. With all the wisdom a naïve nineteen year old can possibly have garnered, growing up alone with no one to share it with seems a pointless life to me. By nature, I am a very emotional and a very social person. Being isolated – not wanted nor needed by anyone – seems a very empty life. And what more, love, is the carrot of my life. The thing that keeps me going. The one reason for doing the things that I do.

When I was nine, I carried the notion that when my uncle lost his arm, he just as quickly adopted the natural fact of life; he lost his right to all normal people can take for granted. He took his arm, or his lack of one, and accepted everything else; inability to use both utensils at the same time, losing the choice of types of clothing he could wear, difficulties tying shoe laces and unlocking locks, zero possibility of driving a car, losing his own independence, and the worst of all; to lose any hope of love and accept that from now on ‘til forever, he would grow old, alone. And lonely.

And for the next ten years, I never once challenged this notion. For no reason other than that my uncle’s problem was not my problem. I wasn’t in any way affected so why should I ask questions that may rock the boat and cause my own discomfort? To my knowledge, he has never complained. Never whined. Never pitied himself. And that was enough for me.

But now I wonder.

He was 22 when he lost his arm. I realize with a jolt that when you’re 22 years old, you have the future – or rather, the possibilities of what the future has - in your hands. It’s the start of something. It’s the start of everything else in your life. That’s what he had. He could be anything. Anyone. Anywhere.

Then The Incident happened. And he withdrew from everything. He ran away from all the looks of pity. Hid himself from his own shame. I guess, those must be pretty dark days. Anyone would have turned bitter. He was young. Full of hopes and dreams. But it was all chopped away. With his arm. Left with a stump. Unable to do anything anymore. Having to depend on people again. Just when you spread your wings to fly, one wing is cut off, and you return back to your nest – a failure. Watching as all the other birds take flight – all your siblings – leaving the nest, giving one last pitiful glance back at you but then soaring into the wide open sky, free.

A promise life whispered to you suddenly snatched away.

It made me think, if a girl, and such a beautiful girl at that could still love you, even if you don’t have an arm, wouldn’t that be the epitome of love? Wouldn’t you fall in love right back and still salvage some of what life has promised you?

But thinking back, in my uncle’s days, filial piety was mandatory, and traditions were laws set in stone. And maybe, just maybe, he felt he didn’t deserve the love this beautiful Hakka girl could give. What could she see in him? How could she look at him without being repulsed? He must have thought unwilling to let himself believe.

And maybe, just maybe, he loved her back. Loved her enough to let her go. What could he do with one arm? How could he get a respectable job? Put food on the family? She deserved someone so much better than him. She deserved a better life than anything he could offer.

It makes me feel, excruciating to think about this. My uncle is now 60. He is robust. He still loves fiercely with everything he can, he buys candy for his younger nieces everytime he comes to the house for visits. Even when I was nine, I instinctively saw my uncle’s inner strength, because I believed fiercely that even though my uncle only had one arm, he would survive, and he wouldn’t grow old and frail and sit in a wheelchair like everyone else you saw that was “abnormal.”

I don’t think I can lie and pretend and say that even though my uncle only has one arm, that doesn’t make him “abnormal.” He is.

I’m not going to say that he's not “disabled.” He is.

And I’m not going to try to be pious and say that I pity him. Because I’m not and I do.

What I AM going to say is that I have a greater disability. That I am more disabled. That I pity myself more.

My uncle has one less limb than I do but he can do far greater things than I can. Things more important than tying shoelaces. Or wearing normal tees.

My uncle stayed strong, for his family, for himself when The Incident happened. I cry myself to sleep just because one person – one unworthy person – hurt me, and remain bitter about it, unwilling to let go.

He can love even when he has lost his “right” to and not only that, but he loves in such huge amounts that he changes lives; life of a girl who remembered that even when she was five and fat an no one wanted to carry her, her uncle did. The life or another who he made a life-long vow to keep. And the right to live a better life to one, beautiful mysterious Hakka girl. Whilst I, take advantage of the love people readily give me, stomping on their hearts and greedily asking for more and never giving more of my own less making myself vulnerable.

Dear Lord,

He’s my uncle.

A silent, unsung hero.

Please.

In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Romans 8:26
We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Leaving me out in the cold

2011-07-31T21:22:00.000-07:00

Day eighteen: A picture of your biggest insecurity

Rejection

Being deemed not worthy enough.

Check the misc tab above for 30day challenge list

What Germans eat for breakfast

2011-07-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

Day seventeen: Something that has made a huge impact in your life recently

Nasi Lemak.

Not kidding. I've been craving. And craving.
And eating. Non stop eating.
And gaining. And gaining.
HUGE impact I'm telling you.

P.S - If you're scratching your head and wondering how ze heck does the title relate to my post, ask me. =]
If you KNOW what it means, "FUNNY RIGHT?!!"

Check the misc tab above for 30day challenge list

Setting me free to fly

2011-07-17T10:23:00.000-07:00

Day sixteen: A picture of someone who inspires you

See that picture?

She inspires me.

Know what she's made of?

Dreams and hopes.

Know what inspires me?

Not one singular person, but rather, the combination of the love of life and living, of aspirations and wishing, of all the people very much similar, to people like you and I.

Check the misc tab above for 30day challenge list

To live in between

2011-06-29T08:40:00.000-07:00

Girl, Unafraid – Neil Bernhart

I grew up with fairytales. But have always believed that life was either black or white.

Its either yes or no.

Now. Or never.

Love. Or hate.

Life was safe with absolutes. I knew what was happening. I was in control. I knew what I had to do.

But as I grew up, I learned that life had a new color to it - the uncertain twist of grey.

The maybes and the could have beens.

The sometimes and laters and regrets.

And the taste of bittersweet love.

Grey is neither here nor there. It was a mixture of both black, and white. Never either, stuck in between, lost.

Words from the "been-there-done-thats"

2011-05-24T23:54:00.000-07:00

Day thirteen: A picture of your favorite band or artiste

If you hold music in high regards, most likely, you are one of those people who hold to this stream of thought: you are what you listen.

In other words, the kind of music that a person listens to, reflects the kind of person they are. Or so goes the stereotype.

My point is, starting this post, I was initially concerned about what all reading observers may think of me, got a reputation to protect and all, y'know.

But then I thought, "what reputation?" So, following that train of thought, I decided, for lack of better words *screw it* and be just totally honest about the music I listen to. Regardless of whether you think me shallow, fake, disrespectful, etc. (Is it just me or does there seem to be a stereotype that the more "indie" or "unknown" singers that you listen to and like, the more of a "true" music lover you are? hmmm..)

Disclaimer: I don't pretend to be a music connoisseur. I just listen to whatever soothes my soul. And as such, don't have any particular favorites. The artistes listed below are just the firsts that came to mind in creation of this post. Don't be hating.

For the girl who taught me what it is to live life FEARLESSLY

"To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. Its not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS."
— Taylor Swift

For the girl who taught me that the only person holding me back is myself

"I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me"

"Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who said, who said
Won't you tell me who said that?"

— Selena Gomez

For the girl who taught me about relationships and helped me get through them

"You say it's easier to burn than to build
You say it's easier to hurt than to heal
But I say you lose when you give up what you love"

-Colbie Calliat

For the group who constantly reminds me what it is I need to live for

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?"

"Blessed is the man whose lost it all."
— Switchfoot

And for the guy who can always put a smile on my face

"Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed"
(always!)

"And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are"

- Bruno Mars

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2011-05-22T03:40:00.001-07:00

Day twelve - Something you love

I love to collapse into bed when my body is wrought with exhaustion.

Sorry. I couldn't find any pictures to go with this one. Use your imagination.

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Different words;same song

2011-05-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

The best thing about Cambodia was...

I mean, after the absolutely DELISH baguettes that can be found everywhere there (crisp, fresh, heavenly bread toasted with butter and smothered in meat, ham, veggies and everything mouth-watering. I ate SIX during our five day trip. I would have eaten them for breakfast, lunch and dinner too but, no one else took kindly to that suggestion).

So after that, the best thing about Cambodia was...

Oh, and of course after the FRENZIED shopping action that went on. The spotting and haggling and the buying and the exclamation of the super duper cheap prices! No joke, Abercrombie & Fitch, H & M, Miss Sixty, ALL as low as USD2 (there are US clothing factories in Cambodia so all the clothes manufactured there are cheap)!

So after the shopping, the best thing about Cambodia was...

Oh, not to mention the INCREDIBLE fellowship throughout the trip;

the getting-to-know the adults better; the tickling and pinching from Aunty Angie, the being bribed and cajoled to act in a skit for Aunty Christabel; the mothering and pampering and the being-stuffed-so-full by Aunty Anne.

the much needed sleeping that was continuously disturbed by the Cooking Mama Michelle and the adults who took turns every morning to bang our doors so loudly that I’m sure would have woken up Thailand (Cambodia’s neighboring country).

the instant clicking between us and the Cambodian youths within the very first day. Things got so emotional that tears were shed during farewell, which I think is quite incredible – glory to the Lord - when you factor in language and cultural barriers.

So, as I was saying, the best thing about Cambodia was...

OH! And I mustn't forget to tell you about the Cambodian youth worship, which, blew me away. From the start to the end, it was just, so, incredibly, powerful. I seriously, don't even know what words to use to describe how it was.

The Cambodian youth sang with gusto, with pride, with love, with soul, with all they've got, they just laid it all down and sang, literally, to high heavens to Daddy above.

And so we all sang.

And it wasn't until almost the last song when it hit me.

We were all singing the same song.

But not the same words.

We were all singing the very same song, except, they were singing it in Khmer (their national language) and we were singing in English. I don't quite know if you understand how this was so profound to me. But let me try explain.

Despite the different words we used, we were singing the same song.

Despite the different cultures we're from, we were feeling the same thing.

Despite the different colors that we are, we are all humans.

Despite the everything difference that we are, we are all children of God.

Different words; same song.

But I got to tell you, the very best thing of Cambodia was...

that well, there is no very best thing about Cambodia

Because all the good things blended together, made the whole trip the very best thing.

the delirious conversations at two in the morning or five in the afternoon from two half-baked, half-coherent, stupendous people. Look how far we've come huh Lerry?

*sighs of contentment.

2011-05-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

Day eleven - A picture of something you hate

Feeling of inadequacy

The - I'm not good enough.

I'm not smart enough.

I'm not pretty enough.

The - if only I was richer.

If only I was thinner.

If only I was better.

The - why can't you be more mature?

Why can't you be more disciplined?

Why can't you just be...more?

It is for this reason that I respect Selena Gomez. I don't care about about her celeb status, or the fact that she's dating the Bieber. I like her, because she sings songs. Not noise. Songs. Songs that matter. Songs like this:

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says

It's such a funny thing
How nothing's funny when it's you
You tell 'em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth

It's like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won't let you touch the sky

I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me

You've got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon

[Chorus]

Who says
Who says you're not star potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said
Won't you tell me who said that
( Yeah, WHO SAID!? )

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says(x2)

Who says - Selena Gomez

*lyrics edited for the purpose of highlighting key points. Complete lyrics here.

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2011-04-15T00:11:00.000-07:00

Day ten: The person you do the most ****** up things with

Well, since I'm pretty much a good girl *what?Iam!* For Day ten I will introduce you to a girl whom I do the CRAZIEST things with.
Actually. Let's just let the pictures do the talking...

Credits to Tee Juan
Facebook link here

So here I am strolling past the basketball court minding my own business and out of nowhere, this long legged monster jumps on me, pins me to where I am and yells to her accomplice to throw a bucket of water all over us.

Credits to Lerida

Facebook link here

Don't mess with us. Aren't you totally intimidated by our ninja poses?

Screw it. They're all on Facebook.

We were terrorizing the hotel lobby at one in the morning with our *coughuglycough* matching boxers dancing around and striking I'm-so-cool poses and pushing each other in trolleys.

Once we started spinning. Oh man. We just. Couldn't. Stop.
Not until we got really dizzy and the boys came up sneering at us. Hmph.

Grace and I. Soul Mates.

2011-04-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

Day nine: A person (friend) who has gotten you through the most

Credits to Elizebeth Tan
Facebook link here

This was a really hard one. Cos after I put aside Jesus, my family and myself - it just felt like cheating if I chose one of them! - I really couldn't think of anyone.

I mean, I don't mean to demean my relationships with any of my friends (you). We've all had our ups and downs and we've stuck together through the rain, hail and storm. That's why we're where we are now.

But to just think of one person, one person who has gone through with me on my tumultuous journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, one person who has suffered with me when I suffered and laughed with me when I was on top of the world, one person who has no doubt, been hurt, angered, rejected, or just plain pissed off by me - I'm not a very easy person to be with. Heh. Understatement of the year - and still stuck by my side just because...well, how many friends can you think of right now who has showed such hard core perseverance?

Thanks Sam, for not only for getting me through the hardest parts of my life, but also standing there next to me assuring me that the end isn't so far off.

The darkest hour of the night comes just before dawn.
- The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Oh. And also thank you for not acting on instinct to just kill me on the spot and save everyone the trouble. I know you've all thought about doing that before...heh.

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2011-04-07T00:50:00.001-07:00

Day eight - A picture of something that makes you laugh

credits to Matthias Lu

Also, Facebook link here.

This right here, is my one and only, matching red-converse, lanky, long legged beauty of a friend. She makes my world a happier place. *grins.

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Don't give them your joy

2011-04-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

Something I read. Which touched me and proved a reminder that my problems aren't big, because my God is.

Writer: Mary Southerland

Source: Crosswalk.com

Today’s Truth

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18, NIV).

Friend to Friend
I don’t know her real name, but Smiley is one of about 200 men and women who live in a leper colony near one of our church sponsored orphanages in a rural village of India. Dan and I had been asked to lead a worship service for the leper colony and I have to admit that I was both curious and terrified by the prospect of ministering to lepers. I had never even seen anyone with leprosy and had no idea what to expect. I prayed like crazy that God would somehow work through me to bless His wounded and broken children.

As the worship service began, Smiley sat in front of me in the dirt, a look of anticipation on her face, waiting for a message from God. I think the message was mine to hear. We had come to bring her joy and hope – but she already had both. Leprosy has ravaged her body, leaving her with no toes, no fingers and a death sentence. Cows, chickens and goats roam the dirty, rugged road in front of her thatched roof shack. Smiley does not enjoy the luxury of running water and electricity and food is scarce. Personally, I could see very little that Smiley had to smile about but it was her radiant smile that caught my attention and tugged at my heart.

After the service, I wrapped this precious woman in as big a hug as I could possibly give because she was so rarely touched by others. With the help of an interpreter, we celebrated the truth that one day she will once again have all of her toes and fingers. One day, she would be well and whole. She laughed like a little girl at the promise of being with Jesus and living with Him in heaven.

Smiley has fixed her eyes on the unseen and found joy and hope in the process. She does not depend upon the temporary things of this world for contentment. Hope gives her the strength to get up each morning and begin her daily search for food. The promise of Heaven comforts her each night when she lies down on a dirty cardboard mat to sleep. Smiley has nothing – yet she has everything - because she has learned, and lives out the truth that inner joy does not depend upon outward circumstances. We can learn a lot from Smiley.

God promises that if you know Him you will know true joy. Joy is not merely happiness but rather an unshakable confidence that God is in control. Therefore, He is our one and only source of joy and stands ready, waiting to saturate every circumstance with His presence. As His children, joy is ours to claim. If so, then where is it and why do we not experience a sense of confident celebration as we go through each day?

Maybe it is because of the “joy stealers” who lurk in the shadows, waiting to crush joy wherever they find it (life can't be this good, surely something bad will happen soon)

Choosing joy requires us to identify and eliminate the “joy stealers” in life. You may be allowing a person to take your joy. Maybe some painful experience from a shadowed yesterday is an obstacle of joy in your life today. Perhaps a fearful circumstance or a broken dream is the culprit.

I know life can be painful. I know life is often hard and unfair. I also know that God is in control. Therefore, if God really is God (and He definitely is) then we can and should be people of joy. I have read the final chapter of the Book and we win! Nothing and no one can take your joy without your permission. So, don’t give it! Choose joy!

Let’s Pray
Father, forgive me for my shallow attitude about joy. I confess that my version of joy is often nothing more than an emotion or feeling based on current circumstances. Help me fix my eyes on You, the Author and Finisher of my faith. I want to live my life against the backdrop of eternity, exchanging temporary happiness for eternal joy. I pray that I will learn to choose joy in whatever lies ahead.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

2011-04-03T21:21:00.001-07:00

Day six - A picture of a person you'll love to trade places with for a day

I've thought about this question over the weekend, and realized that my last post was just lazy and unoriginal. So. Here goes.

If I could trade places with anyone for a day, I would be...

A child who readily delights in the joys of the world.
So that for one day, I can remember how to embrace the beauty of the world in all childlike faith.

A mother who knows that love has no bounds.
So that for one day, I can look down and try to begin to fathom the depths of unconditional love.

A woman comfortable in her own skin.
So that for one day, I will know how it feels. How empowering it is to embrace all that I am, the good, the bad and everything in between.

*there are more to add to the list, but they're too personal.

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2011-03-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

Day five - A picture of your favorite memory

I don't have a picture of my most favorite memory. They're nothing but roller coaster feelings and fleeting images. One's that I know will flash before my very eyes when its time.

The best things in life are often unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we kiss, pray and dream - unknown

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2011-03-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

Do you know what I do to maximize my sleep?

I sleep at 10:30pm.

Set my alarm at 2am.

And another one at 6:30am.

The purpose of the 2am alarm is so that I will wake up and realize that I still have an ENTIRE FOUR HOURS AND A HALF more to sleep. So when I wake up, I feel as though I slept for a very long time, and is therefore, well rested.

What a poor sleep deprived girl would do. *shakes head sadly.
I want a new job.

2011-03-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

Day four: Your favorite night

Grass poking our backs, burnt marshmallows stuffed in our mouths, our shrieks and laughter heard by the moon. *melancholic smile*

My second favorite night was also under the starry blanket of night. We were so cold, but so lazy to run in to grab a blanket, so we shivered under the protection of a measly jacket. Yet so enraptured we were into the discovery of the mind of the other that we barely noticed the cold.

I wonder why the night is so prominent in most of my memories. Are they of yours? One friend theorized that maybe it was because during the day we are so uptight, so scared to reveal who we truly are less our society victimizes us, that by night, we are so exhausted with pretending, so then we don't. Or maybe whispered nothings into the dark don't seem as scary as when you say it in the light. Maybe the gentle moon is just a better listener than the bright burning sun.

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Daily episodes of the Good Life

2011-03-23T01:21:00.000-07:00

Day three: A picture of the cast from your favorite show

I hope I have included everyone.
And credits to Belinda Ong, Lerida and Tee Juan

What more can I say?
We're all playing somebody.
We have the main characters and the people for comedy relief. We have plots called our life and drama to color it. Scandalous lies, deep dark secrets, complicated relationships, life-defining moments. Tears, LOL's, WTF's, GOL's, etc.

Seriously. Don't tell me you're not intune and watching. Don't tell me you're not gossiping about what would happen next and ripping each character to shred. Don't tell me you're not empathizing with the hero and hating the antagonist. Or the other way around depending on which character and side you're depicted to play.

But at the end of the day. We all smile at each other and pat each other on the back and walk into the sunset with our happily ever afters.

That's what everyone hopes for after all don't they?

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2011-03-22T01:20:00.000-07:00

Day two: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Credits to Tee Juan

Blood runs thicker than water.

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Ten little piggies

2011-03-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

Day one: Just ten

sólo diez

Credits to Lerida

1) My passion:

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions - James A. Michener

2) I'm all for a woman's independence, yet, I like it when doors are opened for me, when I'm walked across the road, or when they bodily lay across a puddle of water just so I don't get my feet wet.
(hee. take the last one as a joke. I believe in a man's independence too)

I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it - unknown.

3) I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I'm hilarious. ;)

4) I use to not only attend, but enjoy art classes.

I would go outside and sit under a tree with a pencil and a drawing pad, let the breeze play with my hair, the grass itchy under my bum, the sun low on the horizon and my best friend in comfortable silence next to me. I would think that nothing in the world could be more beautiful than these moments.

Of course, nothing that I drew even came close to the essence of the beauty of the worlds I traveled. And I'm not even saying this out of modesty.
I guess I'm what you would call a theoretical artist. Or a writer =p

5) My faith:

All that I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen - Ralph Waldo Emerson

6) I believe that is it is the moments that define us. The little things said.

Be kind to everyone. You may not be able to save a person, but at least you weren't one of the people who didn't try - Chloe Higashida

7) I love chocolate. Kit Kat Chunky. Black Forest. Hot brownies and vanilla ice-cream. Molten cake. Belgian chocolate. Famous Amos. Fondue and marshmallows.

8) I can't stay at home for long. I must go out. Do something. I cannot sit idly. I cannot not say something. I want to live my life exploring, adventurous, laughing, loving, living.

No one looks back on their life and remembers the night they got plenty of sleep - unknown

9) At the same time, I need my own time. My personal space. I need to be away from people. I need my own bed and my own moments. Which is why I love the rain. The winter. The cold. To cuddle up under the warmth of my blanket with a book or a movie and hot cup of anything.
I am my own little ball of contradiction.

10) I love watching sappy movies and crying my heart out.

Movies like:
- My Sister's Keeper
- Hachiko
- The Yarn Princess
- The Notebook

Movies (demanded of me) to watch:

- Remember Me
- A Beautiful Mind
- Band of Brothers
- Grave of the Fireflies
- Life is Beautiful
- Hotel Rwanda

Anything to add?

P.S -I also have erratic, unpredictable taste in movies. Disliked Titanic. Fell asleep watching Dark Knight. Loved 300 Spartans.

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2011-03-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

I fear as though I have deserted this blog of mine. Apologies are in order.

ANYWHO

SOMEONE GOT A NEW JOB

With a NICE increase in paycheck.

Of course being the self-less loving friends that you guys all are, instead of looking at me with those greedy little eyes and simpering “hello Karl, how are you’s?” you would congratulate me and pat me on the back saying that I deserve this and that you’re happy for me.

Who are we kidding huh? =]

But you know what, with all things said and done. I did like my Kumon job. Maybe not the pay, but the kids.

I miss it when they would rush to me, as though the whole world of injustice was upon their little shoulders, and shriek

“Teaaacher! Why is this one wrong!” pointing adamantly at the accused equation.

“It’s correct what!” they rushed on ahead to explain even before I can lift my tired eyes to glance at it “See, first you divide two over five times eleven over six because you can’t divide it so you have to flip it and then you…oh.”

“oh?”

“oh. hehe” they giggle, embarrassed before running back to their desk to attack another injustice that threatens their Kumon existence.

I miss how the younger ones would envelope me into their worlds of rotan-wielding mothers and mischievous escapades. I miss the older ones and their lewd comments and utterly humiliating BGR related stories. I just miss. what once was.

I think. And I sincerely mean this. Money... isn't really all that.

and the petals smiles back

2011-01-23T01:11:00.000-08:00

For flawless nights and starstruck love. To feel comfortable in my own skin and at home in my reality. To hope for sunshine Mondays and feel the cold on the tip of my nose. For chiffon, silk and thorns of roses. For warm embraces, yet unbroken promises and whispered nothings.

To pack my bag and just be going somewhere. Adventure, mystery, drama. Long conversations and comfortable silences. To live, laugh and love in all extremes.

To feel the wind in my hair and the hope in my heart. To see the twinkle in my eye and the hint of a smile. To run in the fields and roll over hills. To jump in leaves and giggle like children.

Would you go back if you could?

Is it all the little things I left unsaid?

Would the sun shine anymore if you smiled at it?

Do the flowers dance in the rain?

2011-01-21T07:08:00.000-08:00

1/ My nails are purple!

2/ My contact lenses are really dry

3/ Miss World 2011 (Alexandria Mills - Miss USA) met me today =p

No but she is really. Just. Gorgeous. Stephen and I spent the whole day ogling at her whilst Lerry ran around taking pictures.

4/ I feel like a brownie

(Not feel as though I AM a brownie, feel like I want to EAT one)

5/ I'm an advocate for world peace. La di da

2011-01-15T06:43:00.000-08:00

I love these quiet times. When the tv's not on and the parents are out and the sibling's in her own room.

When all you hear is the soft pitter patter of rain and the quiet whir of the fan.

When all you feel is the blanket wrapped around you, and the little nibble of cold on your nose.

I guess it's these little moments of contentment that gets you by. When you're happy with your life. When you're happy with even all the little disappointments.

James 1:2

Consider it all as joy.

2011-01-01T06:14:00.000-08:00

Hi 2011

I know I don't meet you with the excitement and exuberance of a new year. I am, wary of you, honestly. Of how you'll treat me. Of what I'll make of you. Of what you'll make of me.

But I know, with God holding my hand, that I'll make it through.

So Lord, use me to be an example, use me to reflect of Your grace. I know that You have many big plans for me, and Lord, please let me remember that You are always my Tower of Strength when I am weak, and my Comforter when I am down.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Fill me with compassion and rid me of my selfishness.

So goodbye to 2010

And hello 2011

2010-12-26T00:58:00.000-08:00

I have passed a government-approved driving test.

I have yet to pass my dad's test.

And dad's law somehow supersedes.

A tad bit of a shocker

2010-12-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father, help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savouring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

-source unknown

It's Christmas next week.

2010-11-29T07:21:00.000-08:00

"So take me as you find me

All my fears and failures"

Thank the Lord

2010-11-19T00:08:00.000-08:00

I passed my driving test today.

WHO WANTS TO BE THE FIRST TO SIT IN MY CAR?

Good morning sunshine

2010-11-10T06:51:00.000-08:00

Today, was the first time in a long time that I've had an honest talk with God. It felt like waking up after a very hopeless slumber.

Hello sunshine

It's moonshade

We were cosmic. Brilliant.

We could have shared the sky! Leading the world between us.

But instead we fought and battled. We threw people into chaos. Confusion. You lighted what was meant to be dark and I diminished your light.

It's ironic though, if you think about it...

I was the one afraid of the dark. I hated the night for under the blanket of stars lay my fears, my tears, all my lost inhibitions and the cowardice and the weakness that I hid deep inside the wells of my being.

And you, you were afraid of your own light. Afraid that it will illuminate all of who you really are to everyone. Vulnerable, alone, powerless. Things that you pocketed in the safety and security of the dark.

We crave the other.

But are as different as night and day.

So with both eyes close

she takes a plunge

She jumps right in.

No sound.

She expects the fall.

Down and down.

But instead, when she opens her eyes.

She's up in the sky.

That's when she realized.

That when she jumped.

Instead of falling.

She can fly.

2010-11-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

*I HAVE RED CONVERSE! AREN'T THEY A BEAUTY?!*

It's not fair.

It sucks that I have to work so hard on something that just comes naturally - without effort - to others.

I have to sweat it out, cry it out, work it out, everything it out just to be on par with these fortunate creatures.

*shurgs.

I guess, when life hands you lemons,

...you just got to go squeeze them in those pefect people's little eyes and watch them burn.

Wonderful Wednesdays

2010-10-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

I don't think you will appreciate holidays or really, any NON WORKING DAYS until you actually begin to work. That said.

I am going to go enjoy my Wednesday with a downloaded episode of beauty, fashion and photography (ANTM) and my thick book of SAT tests.

Yay.

2010-10-24T08:06:00.001-07:00

We are the broken chords holding this together. The timeless threads fabricating this story untold. The wind whispered in our ears and the songs the daisies breathe. We are the cloudy wisps of dreams woven with tears and toils and soils. The love ached from every memory and every shattered lost. We are the hope built on castles of sands and the footprints walked by every star we gaze. The things unsaid and the words unheard floats and tumbles. We are the October days and the quiet thoughts. Of paper books and paper hearts and this grey line drawn so thin.

2010-10-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

I changed my mind.

I am excited about the big one eight now.

2010-10-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

I have a tumblr! Muahaha.

Make one so you can follow me =[

click

2010-10-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Last day - your reflection

Hi you

There is so much more that I should say to you. So much more than I can't.

You make your mistakes. Too many. And sometimes, you stay up all night going over what you shouldn't have done. Sometimes you fall too hard, and sometimes you break. But thats okay because just as much as you cry, you always manage to get right back up. It gets harder to get up, I know. But you do. Because your strength comes from God. And because you always have faith that the next day would be better.

And hey, you know what, you're so lucky. You have so many people around you all the time, and they do genuinely care for you.

So laugh more, smile more, love more, live more.

Listen to what Mishie said,

"just forget about the things you can't change, work on the things you can, and yell BAH at everything else!"

Love,

2010-10-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

Day 29 - the person that you want to tell everything to but too afraid to

I guess I'm more afraid of placing myself in a place of vulnerability than I am afraid of you knowing so much about me.

Although. You probably already do.

Shrugs.

2010-10-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Day 28 - someone who changed your life

Everyone has changed my life.

From the smallest change to the biggest change.

Everyone has made an impact.

I only hope that I am one too.

2010-10-17T05:46:00.000-07:00

Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day

The person who told me,

"I'm sorry. All you can do now is. Just. scream."

I did.

Nov is the beginning of everything

2010-10-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

I have been. Feeling. Way too much. Or not at all.

I long for a heart to heart. I want one whole stretch of day devoted to just talking. About everything and anything. Uninterrupted, carefree and soul deep conversations.

But everyone is so busy all the time. Including me.

Everyone has so many worries. So many things to be concerned about. College. Work. Career. Life. Purpose of life.

My birthday is coming up. Soon. I'm usually quite excited for my birthday (presents hint hint) but this year, I'm just. Not.

I'm turning 18. That may be just a number, but its THE number.

My SAT is in a month. Pray for me please? I need this scholarship. More than even I let myself believe.

My driving test should be in a month's time too. Then I can finally drive. And when I can drive, I can scope out other prospective jobs (I'm thinking more in the line of writing, any offers? =]).

Awards night is in November, the day I finally make my graduation speech and officially "graduate" (well technically you officially graduate when you receive the transcript but where's the glam in that?)

So many things occurring in one month, and right now, anxiety is just building up to what is the beginning of everything. I can't wait for it to be over.

Complete and utter deviation from this melancholic i-dont-want-to-grow-up train of thought, I have a tumblr. And yes, I do receive this vibe that tumblr is a pre-adolescent emotional outlet device and has become widely popular because well - exactly how long does it take you to copy and paste a picture you like from someone else's tumblr right?

But. I want to.

Not the copy and paste bit. Just the simple emotional outlet, using pictures. And of course, true to my form, a little bit of text.

When I have fixed it, I'll put it up. You can tell me what you think =]

And whilst I am rambling and you may not be reading this, I may as well note here that I've finished watching another anime series - Angel Beats - and you. need. to. watch. it. NOW.

Good night world.

I hope you all have sweet dreams tonight.

That the sun may shine again tomorrow.

And that we have every reason to wake up with a smile on our faces the next morning.

bout of greediness

2010-10-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

I want that white dress. The one on the left.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaant.

Wink-peace&pout

Price: RM15

Below 25 Heaven

Item: Blue/White Dress

Price: ONLY RM25!!!

I don't have any dresses, and no, I don't exactly have any place to wear this to, but its so cheap! And it looks nice, right? right? Blue or white?

my heart on a leash

2010-10-10T09:07:00.001-07:00

Hahahaahaha!!

If only.

On a random note, I am seriously contemplating setting up a tumblr. Just so I don't have to save pics from other ppl's tumblr and then upload it to blogger. Then I don't have to store so many random pics on my comp, and instead, save them ALL online.

But once I get a tumblr, I doubt I'll blog much.

Blegh.

What say you?

the lie

2010-10-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

nowreallywouldyouhonestly?

2010-10-10T03:49:00.000-07:00

Day 26 - The last person you made a pinkie promise to

We were hanging out, then we saw some old people. They looked so fragile, so old, so....

"When we're old, we're still going to laugh like total morons and and, OH WE GOT TO GO PLAY BUMPER CARS WHEN WE'RE THAT OLD!"

"YEESSS"

"okay okay! Pinkie promise!"

And thus. We made a sacred covenant.

See you in seventy years my friend.

Don't forget to bring your own ambulance.

*This promise is of course only valid if bumper cars still exist in seventy years time. And if there is no maximum age. =.=

2010-10-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

Day 25 - the person you know is going through the worst of times

I think everyone has their own story, and with each story, a conflict.

So here's to everyone who's going through the worst of times, may the best of times prevail.

P.S - If you ever want to tell someone your story. I'm here.

2010-10-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

Day 24 - The person who gave you your favorite memory

Genting.

Not during holiday season.

We went crazy. And did quite a lot of humiliating stuff.

I remember we thought we were so cool by sitting all the rides like Solero and Corkscrew and the round swingy thingy and erm, whatever else the other rides are called, and we sat on them A LOT of times. When we got off, we thought we were the most coolest, the most daring, the most macho people ever. Then someone had the bright idea to sit on spinning teacups.

We scoffed. "What are immature spinning teacups next to the almighty Solero shot -which we sat on three times in a row mind you."

So we sat on the spinning teacups.

And we puked our cotton candy, ice cream and corn in a cup out afterwards and had to sit down for the next hour.

Hahaha!

Can you say pathetic?

Then there was also that time when we were re-lining up for a ride - can't remember what now - and there was nobody in line, so we thought it'll be cool to just, jump over the metal bars.

I jumped over the first few ones quite well, was mighty impressed with myself by then. There was one more last hurdle, and just there, were a bunch of erm, quite good looking guys who were watching me. I smirked. And jumped. And crashed.

No kidding.

My leg hit the metal bar, and I sort of tripped over it.

The. Most. Humiliating. Thing. Ever.

My pride and my leg came out bruised.

We even managed to go shopping in Genting. How crazy are we? We bought so much stuff! And I bought my first rings ever, courtesy to you. Not that I ever wear it, but you know, it's the memory.

There were so many other memories! More than just the banal idiocy that comes with hanging out together.

Haha. Good times eh? May there be more.

2010-10-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

Day 23 - The last person you kissed

Mum and dad.

Last night.

P.S - I know I'm sort of cheating posting so many of my "daily" challenges in one day. Its just, I'm either too lazy to post them up daily, or get over excited in one day.

Besides, with the way I'm going, I'm about even-ing up the score anyway.

2010-10-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to

Honestly, I never really liked her songs.

But.

Teenage Dream. Is the best song, right now.

I mean. Boyce Avenue sang it SO MUCH better.

But you know, second chances and all.

I think she's really pretty though. Not the commercialized beauty.

And she's quirky to boot.

2010-10-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression

Everyone.

2010-10-05T08:51:00.001-07:00

Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest

I don't think I ever gave so much of my heart away to have it broken so hard. Not to say that I've not cried enough tears. I have.

Bloppityblook.

Pain is a good thing; hurt, tears, heartbreak, they're all the same. Without these, how is one to realize the value of happiness, let alone find the place of absolute contentment?

teenage crush anyone?

2010-10-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

I have recently been touring adolescent girl tumblrs (my sister's friends). Brought back a lot of memories.

Like being in love with celebrity cuties! I mean, since when did growing up equate to being all melodramatic about how painful love is right? Love should be fun! Happy! Bubbly! Tingly!

I sound immature and a little off right now but I'm okay. This is what it feels to be young (as if I'm that old) and carefree again. Something that I haven't let go and let myself feel. So whoooooooo.

2010-10-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

My friends. What are to become of them. Lately, I've been on a rampage. To destroy all my friendships. Which is ironic considering how much I've been saying how friends are the best. They are.

I dunno. Shall end this right here.

On a side note.

I want to go to the beach.

2010-10-03T22:08:00.000-07:00

Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be

I want to be that girl;

tall and graceful and gentle.

I want to be that girl;

smart and outgoing and brave

I want to be that girl;

beauty radiant from every tilt and dimple

I want to be that girl;

confident of herself in her walk and talk

I want to be that girl;

hair the envy of Rapunzel

I want to be that girl;

words sing and dance for her

I want to be that girl;

nails neat and every eyebrow in place

I want to be that girl;

strength of steel that keeps her head up

I want to be that girl;

sculpted like Hera

I want to be that girl;

just once.

I want to be that girl

But maybe, somewhere out there, someone is pointing at me, and saying

"I want to be that girl."

Be the best you can be. Better. Love thy neighbor as yourself. Remember your purpose. Remember who you are, what you are. The world is your stage, so dance, and sing and shine. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Make Him proud. Be a good girl.

2010-10-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

Day 17 - Someone from your childhood

Hahaah!

So many memories!

I remember late at night on the beach when we were kids and screaming around because we thought we "felt" gigantic crabs crawling upon us.

I remember your dad taking us out fishing. Where we shrieked at excitement at the beginning and moaned loudly about the boredom half and hour later, needless to say, not one single fish was caught that day.

I remember "accidentally" setting the grass in the garden ablaze. Big whoops there.

I remember playing "marco polo" in absolute darkness PLUS blindfold and your brother running excitedly straight into the wall because he honestly thought he was running towards someone who replied "polo" to his "marco."

I also remember that same brother who cried everytime he lost checkers to me, and each and every day he vowed to practice to beat me. I will never forget the day he finally did. He jumped and yelled and shrieked.

I remember your sister who I spent a better part of my childhood running away from because she always wanted to play dress up and make up and *shudders.*

We're all not close anymore. Grew up in different countries, cultures, life, people, but we still have those memories eh?

2010-10-03T21:38:00.001-07:00

Day 16 - Someone that’s not in your state/country

I heard you were traveling the world. That you found yourself. That you found happiness. That you found her, someone to help you believe in people and yourself again.

I'm happy for you. Really.

But sometimes, do you ever remember us? The ones who stayed by you when you were "lost." The ones who don't even bother about helping you find happiness, because trying to make you smile a day at a time exhausted us all?

I hope you really have found yourself, found the secret to being content, happy. If so, then I'm glad. And I can't wait to see you again!

Until then.

mind the q's and a's

2010-10-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Question: If transparent means can see through and translucent means semi-see through, then what do you call something that you can't see through at all? - mum

Answer: SOLID! - my sister

2010-10-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

The person I use to be.

The person who had such high ideals. The person who was going to change the world. The person who hasn't yet lost her fire for her right to her pursuit of happiness. The person who would fight for every injustice in the world, the person who knew what was black and white and never saw grey.

The person who hasn't grown up.

And just as I miss that person.

I miss another just as much, if not more.

I miss all that you use to be. All that you use to mean. All that you could be. All that you were to me. Now is not so more.

Everyone is growing up. It's a good thing. But a sad thing. In order to say hello to new beginnings and new life, you got to say goodbye.

2010-10-02T07:26:00.001-07:00

Day 14 - Someone you’ve drifted away from

So many.

Too many.

2010-10-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

You.

If I have ever done anything to offend you, or said anything to hurt you. I'm really sorry.

I hope you know how much I really mean this, though the screen separates us, and my feelings gets lost in the process, I hope you know. I really am sorry.

2010-10-02T03:48:00.000-07:00

Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

2010-09-28T07:10:00.000-07:00

Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Why couldn't you have written in NORMAL English? My life could have been so much easier if it wasn't for your artsy-fartsy literature.

2010-09-28T06:38:00.000-07:00

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Where to start?

...

And since I can't. I won't.

There's just way too many people that I was never diligent enough (meaning lazy) to keep in constant contact with. It's exhausting to try so hard to hold onto friendships that have already gone down different paths.

So here's to you.

Once upon a time, we were great. We had fun. We rocked and rolled the world. And no matter, I won't forget those times.

2010-09-27T07:46:00.000-07:00

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

My source of strength and comfort.

2010-09-25T02:50:00.000-07:00

So my mum wants to be a celebrity. I have no idea why. She wants to be the next singing sensation. She wants to be the next Lady Gaga. My dad burst a lung laughing.

"Yes Yes, and your stage name would be Lady Old Hag!" he squealed.

I tell you.

What hope is there left of me with a family like this?

2010-09-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

Day 8 - Your fav internet friend

I know they said making friends through the Internet was dangerous, but, it wasn't like that. We met in the most unlikely situation and for whatsoever reason, we just, clicked.

Or maybe we clicked not because we had such good chemistry, but because we both needed someone. When I found you, I hated my life, it was worthless to me, and for you, you were going through even worse things than I was. Maybe the reason we managed to get so close to each other was because we felt so alone, and when we finally found someone who seemed to care even the slightest, we clung on. Lifesavers.

Haha! I remember near the start of our friendship, we were so paranoid about each other, wondering if the other was fake or not. But overtime, I believed you were real.

I re-read everything we sent each other. We talked about love - how I believed there was no such thing and how you kept insisting there was even though you didn't want it - talked about what we wanted to be - when you found out I wanted to be a counselor you launched straight into the idea of being my number one screwed up client! And you wanted to be a soldier so you could shoot people, what a guy thing I scoffed at you. We talked about movies, and stupid people (hahahaahahaah! of course we both excused ourselves from this category), we moaned about the injustice of life and scared each other talking about ghosts. We shared stories about ourselves, and our philosophy and logic and what not.

"Being lazy sucks....... I'm lazy... therefore, I suck........ b'cuz i suck, i'll stay lazy.... and it sucks being lazy... etc.... u see, it goes in a cycle..... and i'm stuck.... so yeah............"

- you trying to be smart.

Hahaha!

You also said:

"I'm WEIRD. And when people call me that, I take it as a compliment."

And you called people smexy. Up to now, i still don't get it. It's SEXY. Adding the extra "m" DOES NOT make it sound cuter!

Man. I miss you. I do.

Then I remember, one time, I got hurt really badly by some things some people said to me. And I cried so much and hated myself even more. Then I told you about it. And you replied;

"those punks..... if i find out who they are, i'll hunt them down, pull out my air gun and air shoot them to death..... i'll take out my pretend knife dagger thing and do a 'Julius Ceasar death' on them.......... yeah... that'll teach them what happens when they mess w/ my internet buddy/shrink =D .............. crying sucks....... u shouldn't do it anymore........ or rather find a reason why u shouldn't........ because when you cry, ur hurting urself.. and that's not cool..... next time u find urself starting to cry, think about the bright side of what u were crying about.... there will ALWAYS be a bright side, no matter the situation..... i wouldn't be able to point them out myself... so u'll have to look for them urself.. but FOR SURE, there will always be a bright side"

Hahaha! Sighs.

You were sixteen, I was fifteen. Looking back, we were young and innocent and naive but we believed we were in a metallic bubble where there was no one but you and me and we were unstoppable!

But we were. Things got complicated. I did something totally unforgivable. And it was like, one day we were the best of friends and the next, we weren't.

I'm so sorry, of all the things that I've done in my life, I've never felt sicker than of what I've done to you. I just want you to know, you meant a lot to me. We could have been.. Thank you though. For being there for me during all my darkest hours, for giving me a reason to look forward to something in life, for making me laugh again and again, and for making me feel almost ... worthy. I pray that you've found your happiness, because I have and you deserve so much more than me.

Love,

Your ex internet/shrink buddy

i tried to squish one

2010-09-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

Cute Smile by Kiciul

From Kids Give Me Hope (KGMH)

"I was at work talking to a little girl who was in line for the bouncy castle when she asked who I was texting. I told her my boyfriend... .A dead serious look comes on her face and she says "Boys are like spiders. Creepy and gross. At least you can squish a spider. Not a boy though. I've tried."

2010-09-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

Day 7 - Your ex

No way am I ready/willing to blog this.

But .... you were my first, as hard or as regretful or as immature as it all was, on reflection, you have contributed to the person that I am now. Thank you and I wish you all the happiness in your life. You deserve it.

2010-09-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

Day 6 - A stranger

Have you ever felt alone? Even when you're surrounded by so many people? It's like, you try so hard to be strong, to smile and laugh, but inside, you're desperately holding on for something, some meaning, anything...

Have you ever cried? Like, really cried? Where your whole body shakes and your throat hurts and it feels like something raw is ripping and burning a huge hole in the middle of your chest? And you want to stop, but it hurts, it hurts so much, and you don't know what to do?

Have you ever lost hope? Days of wondering what is the point to all this? What are you trying so hard for? Vanity vanity, all is vanity.

Have you ever felt worthless? Unloved? Unwanted? Un-everything? Maybe a little lost, maybe a little sad.

Because I have.

You want to know a secret?

A secret of how I manage to live through every single one of these things with my head held high and with a smile steady on my face though tears still remain in my eyes and people still look down at me?

Because I know Jesus loves me. And he loves you too.

I'm never alone, Jesus is right there holding my hand, wiping my tears. If you're willing, he's right there to hold you tightly in His arms too. His heart breaks when your heart breaks, because He loves you so much, He was willing to be humiliated, and crucified, for you, so that you may be saved, that you have eternal life.

I don't know how to reach out to you anymore, all I can say is to honestly tell you that Jesus loves you, yes you, for who you are. Everything that you are.

The Sinner's Prayer

2010-09-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

Day five to my dreams

My dreams, you are a little bit bigger than you should be.

And sometimes a little too small than you ought to be.

Someone once told me "If you are going to have dreams, you may as well have them big."

But its so crushing to realize that not all dreams are reachable.

They say the sky's the limit, but how high would you jump?

of being a Kumon teacher

2010-09-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

So, just in case most of you don't know. I am, a part-time Kumon Teacher.

And don't worry, the irony is not lost on me, I have struggled and battled Maths my entire school life, and just when I FINALLY graduate from school, I end up working as a Maths teacher.

One of the most important rules that Kumon drills in kids as young as 4 years old is to never use fingers to count.

"Do it all in your head" Mrs. Hew the principal teaches.

"You use your fingers and I'll chop them all off!" she threatens the older ones.

I wonder what would happen to me if anyone there knew that I my fingers are very fundamental to my ability to calculate. =.=

Don't worry though, ever since I've started working there, I've been very conscious to not use my fingers, but I wonder if anyone sometimes notice that I stare at my outstretched fingers a little too long, I wonder what they must think if they ever see my fingers wiggle a bit, my brow furrowed in concentration?

You'll be the first to know if Mrs Hew chops off my fingers at any rate.

Or not.

Since you know, I won't have any more fingers to type.

winter breath

2010-09-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Headphones on, music loud. Trying desperately to find some meaning, some answer, some thing, anything, hidden within the lyrics of the song.

Just to feel that little less lonely, just to feel that little more hopeful, just to feel that little bit happy.

It's crazy.

For so long, I've always tried to be strong. I know I have you. And you. And you. Haha. It's kind of ironic that during the season of my life where I discover the true value of friendship is also the same season of life that I say good-bye to you. And you. And you.

It is during tragedy when you realize your weaknesses, your strengths, your blessings and your burdens. It is through tragedy that you know who you've got, and what you've got. And it is through tragedy that you only begin to realize just how helpless you are, and how much you need God.

So here's my call to you God. I have fought so hard, for so long, only You know how much I've gone through. And right now I'm feeling a little tired, and a little weak. I need you for Strength, for Comfort. I need Your shoulder to lean on, Your hand to wipe my tears, Your arms for protection, Your voice to soothe.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul,

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

For you are with me.

Your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies,

You anoint me head with oil, my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love shall follow me all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Amen.

Dearest Men Men

2010-09-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

Day 1 - Your Best friend(s)
Day 2 - Arch enemy
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Hello there sister.

Contrary to what you may think, I did not take so long to arrive at day four just to spite you. In fact, I procrastinated to prolong what would be one of the hardest letter to write to.

We're sisters. Its easy to hide real love behind sibling animosity and rivalry.

Let me first start out by telling you the truth.

When you were younger. You annoyed me.

Lol. Big surprise huh?

But not only that. I guess I was jealous of you.

Here you were, this small, pretty and fragile little thing. Everyone adored you. Everyone oohed and ahhed and praised you to heaven on high.

Whilst next to you was this fat little ugly duckling, who was your sister. Noisy and annoying and screaming and running all the time.

You were so quiet, and so gentle, and so beautiful and so so so so so so so everything I was not. Or at least, everything that I was told that I wasn't, and never would be.

And so I guess a part of me was jealous, and resented you for all the love and praise you had whilst I had nothing but rotan beatings and people asking me to SHUT UP.

And because you were born so frail, even the tiniest hiccups you get send others into a frenzy worrying if you would throw up all your food and lose another two pounds and go into asthma remission.

You took all the attention away from me, and I blamed you for everyone else comparing the two of us, and you being the obvious winner.

But even so.

I know you still loved me. Because you're my sister.

I'm sorry for all those times I was so mean to you. All those times I yelled at you. Especially during that year that I was imprisoned in the house with no one but myself, holding on to the tiniest thread of sanity. I was so angry, so lonely, so frustrated and so full of hate, and because you were the only other human contact I had, I took it all out on you. I yelled at you, I made you cry, I manipulated you, I forced my own sadness on you because if I couldn't be happy, then no one could.

You were my only punching bag.

And you took it all.

And yet you still loved me. Because you're my sister.

But still. I pushed you away. You are my only sister in this world. The only sister I have. But your problems I belittle. And your happiness, I scorn. I am so sorry Men. So sorry for being such a terrible person. For having such a horrid temper. For always taking everything out on you. For always condescending, and making you feel unworthy. Or stupid.

You know what Men, you may have been born weak. You may have had a hole in your heart. You may have been born small and frail. But you are the strongest person I know. You beat the odds. Everyone was so scared you wouldn't make it when you were born. But you did it. Everyone was afraid that you wouldn't live cos you were so severely underweight and you couldn't hold down your food, but you made it. And, right now, the thing that I respect you so much for, the thing that proves to me again and again how strong you are, is how even through all that has wrecked havoc in your heart, you can still stand to look at me.

When I ask you how do you do it, how can you still stand to be with me , you had just simply shrugged and answered;

"Because you're my sister."

Men I love you.

I don't show it.

I know. I'm sorry.

But I do. And I want you to know, that I'm here for you okay? Just like how you've been for me all the time.

Dear God I pray that you watch over my sister. Let her be able to stand tall and confident and show her just how strong and how beautiful she really is. She's very precious to me Lord, and I hope that You guide her path every step of the way. May she grow in You and Lord and be a blessing to everyone around her, just like she has been for me.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

2010-08-30T06:33:00.000-07:00

Day 3 — Your parents

Dear mummy and papa,

A thank you doesn't even begin to cover it.

I know I haven't been the easiest child to rear (cough cough), even at my age, I whine, and throw tantrums, I yell and shout, I refuse to wake up in the morning and cry when you (papa) force me to in the most barbaric ways. I know I annoy you (mummy)with the countless amounts of times I paint my nails, and how whenever we go shopping, you always end up paying for everything. I know that I'm stubborn, that I'm arrogant, that I'm proud and boastful, but thank you both for always forgiving me, for loving me just the same.

I know financially, we've had our fair bit of struggles, but even so, you give me the best you can. Sometimes even better.

And honestly, I am content. I don't have to live without anything, in fact, whenever I'm craving chocolate or cake or Gelatos or donuts, Pa, you always bought them for me without a second thought (though that may be because you want to eat them too =p). And Mum, you always bought me whatever clothes I set my greedy little heart on, or those shoes which will look really great with those clothes, and even the COUNTLESS amount of accessories which I never seem to have enough of (though that may be the reason you borrow my clothes and stuff so often =])

This letter really could go on forever.

You want to know something? I have never wished to have different parents. I know being a teenager, this is considered the "norm."

But I don't wish that. Because despite the fact that we don't see eye to eye on SEVERAL things, I am really rather thankful to have you both just the way you are. You're both insane (read my Facebook =]) but both wise. You're both fun, and caring. You both don't SAY as much as to how much you love me, but actions speak so much louder than words.

ahem ahem. Although, I really rather wouldn't mind less nagging.

Sighs. Reading back on this post, it really doesn't do you both justice.

Maybe this will just have to do.

Thank you mummy and daddy.

I love you both more than I could ever articulate.

Day 2 - Arch Enemy

2010-08-28T03:43:00.000-07:00

Day 1 - Your Best friend(s)
Day 2 - Arch enemy
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Hahahaha!

Hi you.

All is forgiven, all is forgotten. I know I almost got you expelled from school, I know that I virtually ignored you all throughout high school. You did some really terrible things to me too to be fair and I guess some of the things all screwed up in me I can give thanks to you for, but you know what, I'm okay. I wouldn't be who I am now if not for you. So thanks you big-ol-creepy-disgusting-but-nevertheless-human-being.

Beach babeh

2010-08-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to like the beach.

At any rate, the beach has somehow been the pivotal location of new changes in my life.

Good changes.

I love it! =]

P.S - I enjoyed camp. Most memorable time? Playing headbandz. I kid you not.

I also like my hat.

And my friends.

My 30 day challenge

2010-08-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

Day 1 - Your Best friend(s)
Day 2 - Arch enemy
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Hey you,

I honestly never use to believe in best friends. Maybe I still don't. The term best friend is like the term role model, you put other people under these categories on an unrealistic pedestal, and get so broken up when they fail you; don't meet up to your expectations.

But even so, throughout life, I've had many supposedly claimed best friends. And maybe it took all those failed relationships to finally see the worth in having someone like you. What more can I say? I think I've said it all.

I love you. Maybe I love you more because of how safe you make me feel. Maybe I love you more because of how happy I am now thanks to you. Maybe I love you more because you actually love me too.

There's no point promising forever, but let's try get old together ya? And when we're eighty and half blind and half mad, we'll still be laughing our heads off about everything and anything with no care in the world...although I hope we don't do that literally....the heads rolling off I mean.

Here's to us and the future =]

2010-08-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

Hello world,

Here I am.

Here I come.

oh what do you know, no emo post after all...

2010-08-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

Hey you,

I'm proud of you. Really, I can't express how much I am. I never believed you could do it, yeah I'm really sorry, I doubted you.

But you did it, and now you're free! I'm so happy for you. It's a new beginning. Hahah! Are you as excited at that prospect as I am?

Thank God.

And you wanna know something more, you have so many supportive friends, please girl, don't ever forget them. They've stood by you all the time, and through crises, you've found out just how much they care for you - which they show time and time again when you tell them your self centered issues and they don't ask you to shut up, or you whine and they actually comfort you instead of slapping you across the face, OH, and especially when you start to panic and run around the place like a headless chicken, they don't even SIGH, but instead keep your head and heart in place and tell you to breathe.

This is just a quick note to tell you that it's all okay. Give everything to God. He knows what He's doing. Relax. Take comfort in knowing He loves you and He does everything according to His will. And, even though I don't show it to you a lot of times, I love you. Take care now.

Love,

Me.

2010-08-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

One day, maybe in twenty years, maybe in ten, maybe even less, but one day, we're going to look back on these days.

Maybe it'll take us a second longer to remember the names. To remember the faces that they belonged.

But we'll always remember the feeling. Belonging. Laughter. Contentment.

One day, all we are going to have are memories.

So make the best of what you got.

Because some people, aren't even as fortunate as you and me.

2010-08-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

Maybe I do deserve better?

I sense an emo post coming up.

Stay tuned.

albeit a bit late

2010-07-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not a beach person.

I prefer the cold, the snow, the mountain tops, the fresh crisp air.

But.

Our last minute rendezvous to the beach was nice.

I remember doing alot of reflecting - in between all those basketball shooting, movie watching, and eating-like-pig moments. Yes a lot of time reflecting, you know, in the midst of the congregation of families who laughed and yelled and built sandcastles next to me at seven in the morning whilst I was watching the sun rise and gazing into the horizon watching the waves gently breaking in the distance, the salt on my lips, the breeze in my hair and those *cursing* sandflies sucking my blood.

All jokes aside, early Sunday morning, whilst everyone was sleeping back in the apartment, I had my nice alone time (just before all the families arrived) one I haven't had in a while, and one with waves tickling my feet, sand on my butt, and nothing but me, the sky and the deep blue sea.

When I finally dragged myself away (those dang sandflies), the first question someone asked me when I came back was;

"So has your life been changed?" *sarcasm duly noted thank you*

"No. But my perspective on it has. And my life will start anew."

I hadn't bothered replying.

But, I have started a new beginning. I have renewed hope now. I have a way to break free. I have choices, open out before me that I had never considered taking. There are actually things in that inevitable dark future that beam at me now.

So Dear God,

I want to thank you for giving me chances and choices. For being with me. I've made a lot of mistakes, a lot of stupid decisions on my way here, but God, thank you for helping me learn the lessons from them. I may not have liked them, or wanted them, but I grew from them.

I also want to thank you for friends. For everyone one of them who have taught me to become a better person. Who has showed me the value of kindness, and compassion, as well as a great love for food and anime =p

For teaching me the value of patience, and forgiveness, as well as the value of laughter, happiness, self worth...all those things you never thought you'll learn this way but you know, God works in ways we do not know.

Of responsibility, and unashamed, unabashed love. God I ask of you to protect and bless these two beautiful young girls whom I have come to believe in and care for all so much.

For long talks and crazy GOLS, of secrets and not so secrets, of the ability to laugh not only at others but at ourselves too, I wish you all the best Sterling and Paxton ;)

re-added:

Dear Lord, thank you for last night, my last night with my darling Phoebe Paxton (=.=). I remember now, all our times, I remember all that I've learned from her, and I remember now why I cherished our friendship so much .... forgive me for forgetting. I loved her because we can talk about everything and when I say everything I really do mean everything! From love to helicopters and marriage and relationships, and everything else in between ;)

My prayer for Phoebe is that she ventures back to the U.S with confidence and self-assurance that only you can help provide, and that you guide her in all Your paths. I love her so much, please take care of her.

Dear Lord I also want to thank you for these four (plus Ashley who's MIA) who have taught me the importance of having a network of girl friends; who will stand by you even when others are insulting you...even if we're the only ones who insults each other....

Thank you for all those crazy times and laughing-til-we-cry moments!
And especially Dear Lord, thank you for sending me friends who are just as insane, as crazy, and as ohmigoshing-wonderfully-weird as I am!
*we're pretending to be spies because we have fun like that*

Thank you Lord for sadness, because without tears I wouldn't know happiness - or true friendships, and thank you Lord for pain because without that, I wouldn't believe in the value of a hug and words of comfort from friends.

Dear Lord, I also want to thank you for sending Ashley to me. Someone who honest to goodness understands ALL my humor, and has to actually STOP herself from laughing at my jokes, and I hers ... sadly. =]

In such a short period of time, she has meshed herself so into my life that I don't know what I'm to do without her. I'm THAT much closer to understanding the meaning of true friendship, of best friends. Someone who I can be myself with, and not be afraid of her judging me, someone whom I don't feel insecure around, someone whom FINALLY, I can talk to about EVERYTHING ANYTIME, even if I'm sobbing my heart out at 3 in the morning, or just wants somoene to crap with during work.

Thank you Lord for Ashley, you have sent her to me at a time when I most needed strength to go on, and hope to believe in.

...the value of friendships, relationships, comrad-ship, of love and fun times, oh God everything. Everything that I've learned, everything that I remember, that I cherish, thank you Lord.

I pray that You give me strength to start afresh, give me the strength to be able to change what I have done wrong and to make right, and oh oh! Lord give me strength to study hard for my SATs and to do well too ... if it's according to Your will =]

Please bless and protect each and everyone Lord, thank you for all that You have given me, and for giving your Son to lay his life for someone as unworthy as I am. I will try, do the best that I can, so that I bring glory to Your name, so that You will be proud of me, happy of me.

In all of these I ask, in Jesus' name I pray.

Amen

2010-07-20T07:53:00.001-07:00

Spotlight's on me.

I want to dance and sing and shine like a star

Spotlight's trained on me.

I want to glitter and sparkle and act like a child.

Spotlight shines on me.

I want to laugh and cry and shimmer like gold.

But maybe just maybe I'll just sit and stare back.

Maybe cry at the fact that the spotlight's too bright.

Dissolve and dull in comparison to life.

Hide back in shadows where it resides no light.

with all my butt

2010-07-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

I was so amused when I saw this.

Here's to you too, I love you with all my butt.

2010-07-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

Good movie.

Good company.

What else could you want?

Procrastination

2010-07-01T01:40:00.000-07:00

Not a good thing kids. Seriously.

Matthew 7:5

"You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye."

cringe those memories

2010-06-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

Have just re-read some posts since two years ago.

I am embarrassed. I have this persistent urge to delete everything that I was juvenile and immature enough to put up.

The worst part is, at the time, I actually believed myself to be quite - *you insert your own adjective because I'm too embarrassed to write mine*

And probably, two years from now, I will look back to what I'm writing currently, and cringe again too.

I shall not delete. Memories are memories. Maybe I can look back, say maybe thirty, fifty years from now and laugh.

Maybe longer.

Oh wow, on a side note. Imagine using this same blog for fifty years. I'm sixty eight and going, "hey hi there, my blog is queenatunagaga.blogspot.com and my email address is queengardengnomedontneedaloudspeaker."

Wanna bet that in three years or so, IF I still have a blog, I'll probably rename it to something more pretentious or sophisticated sounding like:

Windows Through Another Soul

The Mystique of Karlynism

The colors of my life.

or.

You know, something like that =]

oh writers block how I curse you to the deepest darkest oblivion in existence

2010-06-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

Hey there

You're beautiful, you know that?

Maybe you don't. You're sitting there so alone. Your head bowed, your hair fanned to block your face. A wall to block the world out or shield you from within? Your shoulders hunched, arms folded in.

Don't hide yourself I long to plead. You ARE worth it. Believe me.

Some people walk by, you shrink. Afraid. The harsh words, the taunts, the ridicule comes.

Ugly. Stupid. Weak.

I see your hands tremble clutching yourself, blood leaving your knuckles turning them white as the dead, your arms holding yourself in, sheltering as much you can from the hail, smashing the fragility of your house of cards called hope.

Go away! I want to yell. Leave her alone!

But I sit, silent.

Watching.

Maybe she deserves this - a forbidding whisper floats as thought snuggling comfortably in my head - after all, she is sort of ugly. She never smiles, doesn't talk, doesn't respond, doesn't even make an effort to try. Maybe she's retarded. Deaf and dumb. A reject of society.

And these whispers turn to sirens and signs of confirmation hardening my heart, filling it with contempt and pretentiousness.

When the others meandered away to find another person to victimize, there left only me and her. The room suddenly shrunk, too small to fit the both of us, the silence cliched as it sounds, suffocating, filling every space, every void. I pretended. Pretended that I couldn't see her. That she did not exist. That the room was not pressing onto me laden with, I don't know what, guilt? Superiority? Pity?

I couldn't stay here anymore, couldn't stand to look at her anymore, and just as I was about to leave, she looked up, and stared straight at me, her eyes locking me.

And in that instant I realized.

Her eyes, a deep dark brown, held me, then sucked me into its depths. Falling and falling and falling. Bottomless holes.

Hurt. Fear. Despair. Suffering.

But at the core of it, a dark, stable heat arose. Its vapor materializing as hate. Hate so hard, hate so bitter, I trembled in fear. With everything that she still had, this girl hated me.

My reflection hated me.

can you keep a secret?

2010-06-22T01:26:00.000-07:00

1/ When I'm out eating, and my fingers get dirty, and I'm too lazy to go wash it, I use the condensation left on my glass.

Yeah I know. I'm lazy like that.

2/ I say Lol in actual face to face conversations.

3/ I'm scared of injections.

4/ I dislike clingy people.

5/ I use to wish and wish that I got really really sick because that was the easiest way to lose weight.

Hmm. Pathetic you say?

6/ I am repulsed by people who spit in public. You know, that disgusting hacking cough and the wad of saliva that comes shooting out.

7/ I love long car rides because it gives my brain, my heart and my mind a rest from the world and gives me a legitimate excuse to float aimlessly about without doing anything productive.

8/I find it hard to compliment others. It takes me a lot of courage to say it out, and I think what I'm trying to say sounds fake even though I mean it sincerely.

9/ I hate to say sorry. Hate hate hate. Yes I'm the smaller person.

10/ I watch sad movies to cry.

11/ Purple wasn't originally my fav color. My fav color was blue. But the very first non-tomboy top that I bought was purple. It nose dived from there.

12/ I sing in the shower and dance around in my room

13/ I'm scared of using webcam.

So please stop asking me to webcam T.T

14/ Someone once told me that I was immune to insults. Lol.

15/ I talk to myself. No really, I look in the mirror and hold conversations. Or I hold conversations in my head with everybody. Like, if I was really pissed off at someone, I would like, come up with a speech and everything and yell at the wall or something.

I heard somewhere that people who have their own little worlds in which they converse with themselves are most likely autistic.

Hmmm....

16/ I laugh. Even when I don't get the joke.

17/ I lie. A lot. And I don't just mean speaking untruths.

Lol now you know.

18/ I get jealous really easily. Over really small things.

19/ Sometimes, I forget to say grace.

20/ Before I go to bed, I talk with God, but I normally fall asleep halfway through praying so when I wake up, the first thing I have to do is close my prayer with a "In Jesus name I pray, Amen"

21/ Sometimes when I'm sitting in a sermon and I see someone next to me scribbling like crazy, I feel compelled to attempt to take notes too. Like I need to level up to this person's "holiness."

"And you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free"

- John 8:32

the wheels on the bus go round and round

2010-06-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

I was treated to a hundred meter dash the other day to catch my bus.

I was at the foot of the bridge near Central when to my right I saw a flash of red and a continuous flashing of the number 73 rushing by me.

My bus.

Now, to comprehend my full fledged panic you must understand that the most certain thing you can be sure of of the schedule of the buses are that they never come on time. Sometimes they come half an hour earlier, other times TWO buses come at the same time, and the rest of the time, you wait from half an hour to TWO HOURS waiting for the number 73 to flash promisingly at you.

So. When I saw that I could very well miss my bus, I panicked. And ran.

My bag in one hand, my tarpau-ed food in the other, I ran as fast as I could knocking over a couple of people, and whacking others with my flying bag (I yelled an apology. Really I did.) When I got to the stairs, I thought it would save a lot of time if I just jumped them - and you know, look really cool in the process. Like you know those Milo adverts of people running and jumping without breaking a sweat type things.

Well. It was a good idea at the time.

Anyway. So I jumped. Nearly sprained my ankle have I not been as half determined as I was to not embarrass myself in front of the congregation of Malay boys watching (I drew up a crowd). I continued to run helter-skelter towards the bus waving my arms like a mad lunatic to catch the bus driver's attention so he won't leave me - literally - in the dust.

Good news is, the bus driver didn't move. I think this had more to do with the entertainment value of watching an idiot from his side mirror than anything else because he looked very surprised that I stopped outside his bus door huffing and puffing.

Also, he could not stop grinning at me as I entered, disheveled and red.

But you know what, Thank God I caught the bus. =]

2010-06-08T06:38:00.000-07:00

It's all quiet in the car. Then mum asks.

"Karlyn, have you ever loved someone?"

Assuming she meant being IN love with someone I said no.

"I'm not asking you about getting married type of love. I just mean love. Maybe you should open your heart to love. Its good for the heart to love. It's better than storing hate."

freedom tastes like chocolate

2010-06-02T02:46:00.000-07:00

Woke up at 12 today and jumped all over the place singing "ooooooooh Bop bop baby please, don't let me gooo" clutching my pink comb.

Freedom taste fantastic.

And so does my chocolate. =]

wonts and wills

2010-06-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

Things I WON'T miss

1/ People shouting "I'm after the last" at ping pong... though you know, I shout it too.

2/ Singing Hari Ini

(Secret! I actually don't even know what any of the lyrics mean)

3/ The suffocation of being known so intimately by so many people. Hmm. Never felt it yet? Stick around. You'll know what I mean.

4/ The waking up to get to school schedule which involves

a) opening my eyes

b) whacking my sister next to me to go bathe first so I can sleep that tiny bit longer

c) Being nagged at by my mother to wake up whilst I attempt to snooze

d) Finally falling back asleep

e) Kicked out of my room by my sis who wants to change

f) Bathe for approx 7 mins before someone yells at me to get out

g) Panic when I look at the five remaining minutes left and wonder how I'm going to have to choose my clothes, brush my hair, put on moisturizer, pack my bag and daydream in all that time.

h) Get nagged by dad for coming down late saying who did I think I was that the entire universe had to wait for me?

ugh.

Things I WILL miss

1/ Secret meetings in the bathroom

Hahaha. well. not so secret.

2/ Even more not-so-secret meetings on the score table

3/ Garrett.

Lol. I know.

4/ In the morning: the waiting and staring and praying that the lift number would go from LG to 3 (ESPECIALLY when you need to pee) Oh wait. Wrong list.

5/ The band that gets orchestrated every morning whilst waiting for someone to open the gate.

You have Basil playing air guitar, Charis on the drums, my sis on vocals as well as nodding her head and tapping to the beat, and Rueben with the actual noise pollution leaking from his earphones (that boy will go deaf one day I kid you not).

6/ Eating at Sea View every Friday

the question "so where are we eating" is really more a polite redundancy than an actual legitimate question.

7/ The ping pong bonding

Q -How many times can you laugh at someone being hit on the head with a ping pong ball?

A - All the time. This joke just never gets old.

And I'm really gunna miss Derick's colorful renditions of threats.

Does "in the name of Nebudchadnezzer" and "curses of Shin Jun!" sound familiar?

8/ The fact that the people there would clap for you when you pass a lifepac and be there to support you through everything.

9/ Talking. About life. Love. Trouble. Family. Friends.

Of course the getting in trouble isn't so fun. =]

And lastly, the biggest thing I will miss is

9/ You.

Yes you. Everyone one of you (though not everyone one of you reads this blog).

And if you ask, I'll dedicate an entire letter to you to tell you why I love you and miss you.

But for now....

freedom tastes like chocolate =]

My Daby

2010-06-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey Derick, who you want to come this Saturday?

Daby: Only you baby =]

=.=

Me: Next question. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO EAT? Chilles? T.G.I.F?

Daby: I want you to eat my heart baby.

=.=

Me: so WHERE U WANT TO EAT???

(pause)

Me: and dont say my heart.

Daby: you have to like... take a chill pill baby and watch the sunset with me , babe

Ohmigosh. we were getting nowhere.

Me: eat whhhhhhhhere?

Daby: I want a strip club.

facepalm.

Me: deeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrriiiiick

(near tears by now)

Daby: that's my name

(me bursts into tears)

Daby: wait. let me think.

Me: Don't hurt yourself.

(I said spitefully wiping my tears)

Daby: A romantic place. With just me and Claudia. niiiiiiicccccccccce

I give up.

I exit conversation and leaves Derick alone to his fantasy.